Kids, it's time you all should meet your crazy uncle Triple, so sit down and listen to what he has to say. You never know you might just learn a thing or two, but most likely he will bring you home all fucked up smelling like booze and sex.
EHS: How long have been partying, and would you consider yourself pro?
TRIPLE: Being a pro would insinuate that i've peaked which i haven't, always improving and evolving
EHS: Favorite party moment?
TRIPLE: The ones i can't remember and hear about later
EHS: Labatts or budlight?
TRIPLE: Labatts and my thoughts on bud light from Drew Magary of Deadspin
"Bud Light. Bud Light makes its return to the Jamboroo. Why? Because I can't get away from their stupid fucking ads all game long. I've seen a lot of idiotic beer campaign strategies in my day, the most egregious of which was the Coors Light "coldest beer in the world" campaign from last year.
But this new Bud Light strategy has it topped for overall, mind-boggling retardery. Yes, it's the DRINKABILITY campaign. In a stunning revelation, it turns out what makes Bud Light so unique is the fact that you can drink it. My God! What a discovery! I've never had a beer I could actually drink before. Usually I pick up a beer and say, "God dammit! I can't drink this beer. IT'S MADE OF PURE STEEL!"
And then I realize I'm trying to drink an All-Clad skillet.
You know which beers are really drinkable, Bud Light people? FUCKING ALL OF THEM. All beer comes in liquid form. It's true! Thus, you can "pour" any beer down your throat, thereby "drinking" it. Amazing. That's science for you.
But it gets even fucking stupider. Every ad in this campaign involves some asshole spokesman walking onto the screen and freezing the action, to give you a thirty second dissertation on just how easily one is able to ingest this shitty, awful beer. I especially like that, for one of the spokespeople, they hired that squirrel-cheeked chick in the #22 jersey who looks exactly like every backup lay you've ever had. She's kinda cute, but not really hot. But she appears to be friendly, and she likes drinking, so you always know you can hit that shit later in the night if need be.
But I usually get that one jackass who walks up to a gently running garden hose and pipes up, "Wouldn't you rather drink out of this," then gestures to a gushing garden hose, "then this?" Well no shit, asshole. Yeah, I'd rather not get the tap water bukkake. BUT WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BEER, SHITHEAD? NO ONE SERVES BEER OUT OF FUCKING FIRE HOSE.
That has nothing to do with what kind of beer you're drinking. He's only talking about how you drink it. Which means Bud Light could be any fucking beer. And you know what? That's exactly what fucking Bud Light is. "Bud Light: It's Any Fucking Beer."
Jesus. I've taken the liberty of providing the rest of America's brewmasters with brand new campaign strategies modeled after Bud Light's late-term abortion of a campaign. Are you ready to have your minds blown?
"Miller Lite: The Beer With Foam!"
"Heineken: It Comes In Bottles!"
"Busch: It's Got Alcohol In It!"
"Schlitz: The Beer With Very Small Bubbles In It!"
"Sam Adams: You Can Drink It Out Of A Glass!"
"Natural Light: It Makes You Urinate!"
"Yuengling: The Beer You Drink If You Want To Get In A Fight And Piss The Bed!"
Retards."
EHS: Slope day or mardi gras in EVL?
TRIPLE: Can't pick here both glorious days
EHS: Best city to get down with all the get down
TRIPLE: Aspen and its not close!
EHS: Could you tell us about your experiences in Hopatcong NJ
TRIPLE: Facts about New Jersey:
-Bartenders are douchbags
-Beds are slippery
-Hotel hallways are full of laughing gas
-Hotel parking lots spin making it hard to walk
EHS: Best party jam, Inb4 love generation
TRIPLE: Taylor Dayne: Tell it to my heart
Styx: Renegade
EHS: Drinking can seriously increase your vulnerability so it's important to be aware of what's going on around you. Just following these few tips on a night out can make a huge difference to your well-being and ensure you have a good night.
Before a night out check that you have:
A fully charged mobile phone
Money
Keys
Condom
Personal safety alarm
Your thoughts?
TRIPLE: A fully charged mobile phone- one more thing to lose, fuck it leave it at home
Money- no smart ass comment here, impossible to get blackout with out some caaaayyysh
Keys- see mobile phone
Condom- gives you diseases
Personal safety alarm- aka a another beer
EHS: red/black, high/low, outside/in the middle, suit.
TRIPLE: black(for obama), high, outside, king muthafucka
EHS: I feel we should play Louisville chugger over Thanksgiving, would this be an activity you would be interested in?
TRIPLE: I'm actually disappointed you think this is a question rather than just a statement of fact
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